


gilded pedestals

by Darth Occlus (NotSummer)



Series: deliverance [10]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Communication, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Force Visions, Lack of Communication, Meeting the Parents, Mentors, Parent-Child Relationship, Pregnancy, Secret Relationship, Unreliable Narrator, how do i tag people being adults about their relationships, theres both
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:38:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14925134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotSummer/pseuds/Darth%20Occlus
Summary: Surprise meetings are not exactly helpful when you're trying to keep a relationship secret. But Master Xua wants to clear the air with her former Padawan, and more than one secret is going to come to light.





	gilded pedestals

Jesse’s hand slipped over hers, his fingers wrapping around her own and stopping Miyala from tapping on the counter. He leaned on the counter she was sitting at, facing her. “What’s going on, Ala? You’ve been nervous since you checked your holocomms.” His other hand raised to cup her face, his eyes worriedly searching her own.

Miyala blew out a breath, using her free hand to tug her lekku over her shoulder, messing with it. “Phwoar, I thought I told you. I’m sorry, I’ve been all over the place since I got the call and-.”

“Ala, what is it?” Jesse asked, cutting off her increasingly panicked tones. His hand squeezed on her own, steadying her.

She closed her eyes, leaning her head into his hand, taking a deep breath before reopening her eyes. “Master Xua told me she was going to meet me on the Occlus. She’ll be here in half an hour.”

Jesse dropped his hand from her cheek to graze his knuckles across her stomach, which just recently had begun to swell. She could hide her pregnancy under robes, but a Jedi would be able to sense their child. “I thought you were avoiding Jedi,” he said, “Aside from Skywalker and Tano, at least.”

“Master Xua was my Master. She taught me how to be a Shadow. I can’t dodge her.” She stood, wrapping her arms around Jesse’s waist, and he quickly mimicked the gesture, his arms wrapping around her back and shoulders as she leaned into him.

“What do you think she’ll say about… everything? Should we hide it? Our relationship?” His arms tightened around her.

“I-- I don’t know. I mean, she taught me the whole no attachment thing, but for us it was more in the context of long term undercover operations. Don’t get attached to the people you’re working with if you have to turn them in someday.” Miyala snorted. “I think she spent more time teaching me about weapons smuggling and assassinations and sabotage then she did… relationships or attachment.”

“Then do we take the chance she won’t care?” The question was rhetorical, and Miyala looked up to see bitter pain dulling Jesse’s eyes. He hated hiding them. Hated not being able to be honest with his brothers. Not being able to openly celebrate becoming a father. Not being able to walk around with her in public like civilians could. Jesse met her gaze for a half a beat and then looked away, his voice rough as he said, “So maybe I’m just your squadmate, and you happened to get pregnant on or after some mission, just a one night stand or something.” His fists clenched in her robes and his words were terse.

Miyala wrapped her arms around him tighter. “It’s not ideal, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. This is my fault, I should have remembered to say something, or told her we couldn’t, there was no room on the Occlus.” She cut herself off, shaking her head.

“We’ll get through it,” he said quietly. “You and me, we’ll be fine.”

A new voice interrupted. “Well, well, well. I knew I’d learn something about what my former Padawan was up to, but this is a bit more than I expected.”

Miyala and Jesse jerked back from one another, and Miyala’s eyes found the other Twi’lek woman, leaning on the doorway, almost lounging. Master Xua didn’t look like a Jedi, all synthleather jacket and blaster holsters, and quite honestly, she looked more like a smuggler. She glided forward towards Miyala, her oddly smooth gait the only hint at her true profession.

Miyala struggled to find words to explain and prevaricate, but nothing came to her lips. Master Xua stopped in front of her, giving her a long indecipherable look, and then softened, reaching out to clasp Miyala’s forearms. “Congratulations are in order, it seems,” she said, nodding at Miyala’s stomach.

“You’re not upset?” Miyala searched her mentor’s eyes desperately. She didn’t want Xua upset with her; Xua had raised her, cared for her, taught her everything. Xua was the closest thing she had to a mother.

Xua’s eyes crinkled at the corners. Her age showed in the laugh lines and wrinkles, but there was a youthfulness in her eyes and her sense of humor, a sense of humor she had encouraged in Miyala. “Of course not.” She leaned down, wrapping her shorter student in a hug, and then pulling away to nod at Jesse, who looked stunned.

Xua’s silver eyes glowed with mischief. “I’ve been secretly married for 10 years now. My wife would be upset if I got mad at you, Miyala.” There was an openness about her that made Miyala curious. Something was up with Master Xua.

Miyala’s jaw dropped, but then her eyes narrowed. “Danya?” The Mandalorian Twi'lek had shown up on many of Master Xua's missions.

“You always were the smartest of my students,” Xua confirmed. She leaned back. “I suppose I taught you more than I intended. I had hoped you would never have to struggle with your duty and your heart like I did.”

“I think I always knew it was going to happen, Master. I told you about my visions on Ilum, right?” Miyala leaned back into Jesse, watching her mentor.

Xua let out a breath. “Yes, I remember.” She gave Miyala a long measuring look, and then said quietly, “It is good to see you, Miyala.” She turned her gaze on Jesse. “It’s good to meet you…”

“Jesse,” he said, answering the unspoken question. “Miyala’s told me a bit about you.”

“Oh, not too much, I hope,” Master Xua said dryly. She watched both of them a moment, studying the way they unconsciously leaned into each other, watched the way they interacted within the Force. “I have no doubt you’ll be better at raising a child than I was,” she said quietly. “Both of you.”

Miyala blinked. “Master?”

Xua hesitated, and then looking apologetic, said, “I’m sorry, Jesse, but I think this is a conversation for just Miyala and I.”

He nodded, unable to completely hide his disgruntlement.

“I’m sure Miyala will tell you everything later,” Xua said in an attempt to reassure him. “She’s always been unable to hide anything from those she loves most.”

At that, Jesse’s mouth twitched upwards. “She tried to surprise me with a gift a few weeks ago, I am aware of that.” He leaned down to kiss the top of Miyala’s had as she pouted, squeezing her shoulder before he left. 

Miyala couldn’t stop the smile that rose to her lips at his touch, and Xua laughed. “Look at you, Miyala. You’re happy.” Xua pulled Miyala lose, holding her in a hug before letting her go, looking more serious. “There was a time I thought you might never smile again, after Sinyata’s loss. And now you can’t stop smiling.”

Miyala stared at her mentor, and then admitted, “I do miss her. She was my sister. But I am… happy, now. Despite everything.”

“These are dark times,” Xua agreed. “But you’ve found something for yourself. I’m glad.”

“I didn’t expect you to understand, or even … allow this relationship,” Miyala said. “I… I was scared of what you were going to say.” She looked down, unable to stare her mentor in the eye, faltering.

“The Jedi Code is not the end all, be all,” Xua said quietly. “I should have been more open with you. I should have been more open with you on a lot of things, but I taught you as my Master taught me. I came to apologize, Miyala, to speak. I’m leaving the Order.”

Miyala jerked her head back up, her eyes going wide as she searched her mentor’s face. So that was the reason for the visit. “But you were always the most devoted Shadow of us all,” Miyala protested, “You’re leaving the Order?”

“Is that what you thought of me?” Xua’s tone was wry, but it couldn’t hide the bitterness. “I was devoted because I was covering up so many doubts. And I’ve come to realize those doubts were all too justified. How old were you when I asked you to kill a man? When I taught you to never question the Order and the Code?”

Miyala’s head dipped back down. “I… I don’t regret becoming a Shadow. And I’m not mad at you.”

“You were a child, and I was teaching you black ops,” Xua said. Miyala didn’t look up, but the self-recrimination in her Master’s tone was clear. “I can’t undo what I taught you, I can’t undo the things I did and I encouraged you to do in the name of the Republic.”

“I don’t regret anything,” Miyala said, seeking to reassure, but it was false bravado, and Xua gave her a piercing look. Her Master always knew when she was lying.

“You wouldn’t change a thing if you could go back?” Xua crossed her arms. The question was gentle, but it was pointed.

Miyala stayed silent for a while, and then elaborated. “I don’t regret becoming a Shadow. I wouldn’t be here otherwise, and I would have been stifled as a Knight. I know that. But I do regret the corners I cut, the people I killed because they were on the wrong side of the Republic’s agenda. I thought I was doing my duty. I’m not sure what that is anymore.”

“One last lesson, then?” Xua’s mouth twitched up, and she reached out, tapping Miyala’s heart. “Here is your duty. You know what is right, Miyala. Your heart knows, and so does the Force. Listen to them. Let them guide you.”

Miyala studied her mentor, and finally nodded. “What does the Force tell you?” she asked. “Did it tell you to leave the Jedi?”

“Yes,” Xua said simply. She took a deep breath, watching something far away. “Peace, the Republic… They’re only tools. The Jedi should have been in service to life itself. Helping where we could. But we forgot ourselves, and then the Republic and it’s stagnancy became our goals. We did not look outside. We got our ‘duty’ from the Senate. Not because we cared, not because with the power we were given we could help others, raise up the weak and heal the sick. We just became another arm of the Republic, and we deluded ourselves into believing we were more.”

Miyala sat back, gaping. This was not the Master Xua she was used to, but looking back, she could see how real the aging doubting woman in front of her was, in comparison to the devoted teacher she had known. “You really have changed.”

“I listen, now,” Xua said. “To my doubts, and to the Force. Your vision on Ilum all those years ago was right. Always question, Miyala. Always question.” She shook her head, her eyes still far off.

“I do question,” Miyala said. “I have been since this war started. Vir, Jyssa, and Jai: they’re all gone. I nearly killed Vir, Master. I was on Umbara, in the city. Jesse doesn’t know, I haven’t told him I was there, and I need to. But Umbara left, and so we destroyed it. Ransacked the cities, killed its people. This war is tearing us all apart.”

“I assume Vir sided with her people?”

“How could she not?” Miyala asked. “Yes, she sided with her people. Her and I fought. Jyssa was there, too, and her and I fought as well. What she said… Jyssa wasn’t wrong. She asked how I could fight for the Order, how I could blind myself to the evils of using a clone army.” Miyala shook her head, sighing. “I haven’t fought Jai, but it almost seems like a matter of time. Tensions are growing on Mandalore, and I know she’s joined the True Mandalorians. The Duchess is a friend to the Senate, and she has an enemy in the True Mandalorians.”

Xua settled her hands on Miyala’s shoulders. “There’s something coming, Miyala. This war is leading to something else. You’ve sensed it, haven’t you?”

Miyala nodded. “I hoped I was wrong,” she confessed, “But the visions, the nightmares… They’re growing worse. Previously, it was just a feeling. Now I have dreams occasionally. But they’re getting stronger. I think my daughter is boosting my connection to the Force. Other things come easier as well.”

Xua nodded at her stomach. “There’s little research or even notes and scattered references on Jedi who become pregnant with Force sensitive children, but I would not be surprised if she is making you stronger for the time being. And do you remember your visions?”

Miyala looked down, and in a soft quiet voice, admitted, “I can only remember one image, but it shows up often.” She wrung her hands together, looking anywhere but at her Master, and then said, “The Temple, burning, but I’m not looking at the Temple, I’m seeing it reflected in a trooper’s visor. And there’s some sort of… chanting, I guess, in the background. A single phrase, repeated over and over, but I don’t know what’s being said.”

Xua looked grave. “We’d deserve it,” she said darkly. “But that’s certainly not a good omen.”

“No, Master,” Miyala agreed, “Rather the opposite.”

“Something to keep an eye on, I suppose,” Xua said. “And you have an escape plan?”

“I think I’ll be leaving, too,” Miyala said. It was the first time she’d spoken such a sentiment out loud. It felt right that Xua of all people was the first to know. “I’ve got plans. And backup plans. And backup backup plans.”

Xua nodded. “Clever  _ clever _ .” She let out a deep breath, watching her old Padawan.

Miyala tilted her head slightly, studying Xua. It seemed like there had been something else Xua wanted to tell her, but Xua eventually shook her head, distracted. Xua handed something to Miyala, and Miyala opened up her hand to see a pair of holocomms. “I assume they’re encrypted?”

“I’ll be dropping off the grid entirely. Ilia has a pair, too. I wanted to keep in contact if I could,” Xua explained.

“What about your other Padawans?’ Miyala pocketed the holocomms, and looked back at her Master.

“They didn't take kindly to the thought of me leaving the Order. Ilia accepted it after some arguing, and you’re on your way out.” Xua suddenly looked much older. “So they won’t be keeping in touch.”

“Oh,” Miyala said. She looked awkward for a minute, shifting uneasily.

Xua shrugged. “It is what it is, Miyala. I guessed they would not be accepting.” She fell silent again, once more looking like there was something else, but all she said was, “May the Force be with you, Miyala. And I’m happy for you.”

She leaned forward, pressing an almost motherly kiss to Miyala’s brow before wrapping her arms around the youngest of her students. Muffled by Xua’s jacket, Miyala replied, “And with you, Master.”

Xua let go, and smiled at Miyala, before turning and leaving. Miyala let out a deep breath as the doors closed behind Xua. She felt better for their discussion, for the acceptance and comradery her Master offered as well as the reassurance that she wasn’t paranoid in sensing the storm on the horizon. Still, a nagging feeling remained that Xua hadn’t told her everything. Miyala considered it for a while but brushed it off, standing up to seek Jesse out in their cabin.

He put down the report he was writing, as she entered, dropping her cloak on the ground next to the cabin door. He gave her a look, and she sheepishly picked it back up before folding it up and placing it on her shelf. “You look calmer,” he noted.

“It was a good discussion,” Miyala said. She padded over to sit down in his lap as he pushed his hoverchair away from the desk. “It seems I was worried for nothing.”

He wrapped his arms around her, keeping her secure. “I liked her, actually.”

“Did she say something to you before she left?”

Mischief gleamed in Jesse’s eyes. “She said ‘Good luck with that one. She’s liable to do something foolhardy and stupid.’ I told her I knew that already.”

Miyala faked indignance, and then slyly retorted, “I’ve already done some _ one _ foolhardy, that’s why I’m pregnant.”

Jesse snickered, and then leaned forward to kiss her. “What was your discussion about?”

Miyala wrinkled her nose. “Jedi politics. Visions. She’s leaving the Order. A bit of breaking with Jedi teachings… Regrets,” she added eventually, looking far away. She let out a deep sigh, and then leaned into Jesse. “It was a heavy discussion, but I feel lighter for having it.”

“Ah,” he said, his hand smoothing up and down her spine. He waited for her to explain, knowing full well that she’d blurt out whatever he wanted to know if he let the silence linger.

“I think our baby is enhancing my connection to the Force, and I’ve been having dreams. Nightmares, really. I thought I was being paranoid, just worried, but Xua confirmed she was having that feeling too.” Miyala stayed silent, and then admitted, “I’m scared, Jesse. Terrified. Something’s coming, and it’s nothing good, and at all hours of the day and night the Force is throwing this sense of danger at me. And it’s been getting worse. I could ignore it, but maybe a month ago it started becoming unavoidable.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought I was being paranoid, seeing things that weren’t there. I didn’t want to worry you,” she confessed.

“I  _ was  _ worried,” Jesse said. “You weren’t hiding your anxieties and you brushed me off every time I asked.”

Miyala winced, and he continued, “Please, Ala, don’t shut me out like that.”

“How are  _ your  _ nightmares?” She wanted to take the words back as they left her mouth, and she closed her eyes for half a beat, waiting for Jesse’s response, and knowing that had been a low blow.

Jesse glared down at her. “I talk about those with Fives and Ross. Ala, I’m not telling you about them. But you were talking to no one, were you?”

She looked away. Jesse knew her far too well. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “And… you’re right.”

Jesse raised his hand to cup her cheek, turning her head back towards him. She turned her eyes downwards, not meeting his gaze. “There are things I don’t talk to you about, Ala, but that doesn’t mean I don’t talk about them at all.” There was anger underneath his tone, and Miyala flinched back before she steeled her spine.

“You’re right,” she repeated, “And I was being petty when I lashed out at you. I just felt… cornered. I know I shouldn’t have been trying to hide. I’m sorry.” Slowly, she looked back up, watching Jesse.

He was silent a moment and then said, “I’m still upset, but I’ll accept your apology.”

Miyala nodded, and he sighed before pressing a kiss to her brow and pulling her until she was leaning against his chest. “You do some dumb things,” he said, a thread of amused exasperation winding through his tone.

“I know,” she said softly.

“But we’ll work through it,” he finished quietly. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I promise,” she said, pushing herself up to look him in the eye. “I’ll do my best not to lash out like that again. It was unfair.”

He nodded, and she settled back down. Eventually, the tension in the Force disappeared, and she nodded off, the stress of the day sending both of them spiraling into sleep.

* * *

“You didn’t tell her, did you?” Danya crossed her arms, her bracers clanking against her chestplate.

Xua shook her head, sitting down, her back against the wall of the Cloaked Dagger. “I… no, I couldn’t. Where was I supposed to start? How was I supposed to explain?” Xua trailed off. “I was a coward, Danya. A coward.”

“You were,” Danya said, her voice hard. “She deserves to know.”

Xua dragged her hands down her face, grinding the heels of her palms into her eyes. “It would ruin our relationship. You didn't see her, Danya. She was happy with him, and once she calmed down after her initial panic, she was happy to see me and she told me everything. Like she used to, when she was just a Padawan. She was practically my daughter, then. I…. I didn’t want to ruin that. I couldn’t.”

Danya sat down with a groan. Her knees were giving out, getting weaker each year. Both of them were getting old. “You were scared, and you allowed that fear to guide you. You speak of doing the right thing, but you couldn’t live up to it.”

Xua flinched away. Danya was right. Of course she was right. “What was I supposed to say?” Xua said, snapping back. Anger was so much easier than facing the guilt: something she had in common with her student. “I’m sorry we lied and told you your sister was dead? Sorry she’s been kept in a solitary cell deep under the Temple? Sorry no one told you your twin was still alive?”

“It would have been a start!” Danya snapped back, her tone deadly quiet. “And you’ve already broken her trust by starting this lie. You should have done her the courtesy of letting her know you were a liar.”

Xua looked away. “It’s done, Danya. That window is gone.”

“ _Hutuun_ ,” Danya said quietly, and stalked off. Her armored boots clanked against the floor, getting further and further away. Xua flinched with each step.

Goddess be willing, her Padawan would never find out the truth.


End file.
